Interview with comic Paul Mecurio

This week I had the opportunity to interview comedian Paul Mecurio, who has shows coming up at Acme Comedy Club Thursday, April 17 through Saturday, April 19. Mecurio is an Emmy and Peabody award-winner, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart writer, Bob & Tom Radio Show frequent guest and NYT Magazine-writing comic, and it was so nice of him to take a few minutes to answer some exclusive questions for Perfect Porridge.

Where are you right now?
I am on the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan doing a comedy show—but that is a cover, actually I am part of a deeeep deeeeep undercover unit of the NSA (so deep they actually spell it with several “e”s). My mission, to track Bin Laden’s chiropractor…find him and you find the man. Oops, I gotta go—I think Bin Laden is nearby, I hear a dialysis machine!

What’s the best part of a comedy tour? Worst?
Best part is cleaning the bathrooms at the club after my shows. It really puts me “in touch” with the public. Worst part—having to sell all the panties that are thrown at me during the show on eBay… The problem is they’re really not panties but men’s underwear. A guy’s gotta eat.

What’s your favorite heckler comeback?
“I have a terminal, incurable disease” — how do you feel about your heckle now? If that does not work I say, “I work with Jon Stewart.” And if that doesn’t work I just pay the heckler $25 to stop.

You wrote a feature for the NY Times Magazine playing on your Consumer Man jokes. Do you ever think you’ll find yourself at age 65 one of those customer service reps or perhaps a barista being forced to endure karmic heckles and rants from youngsters like you back in the day?
No, my comments to the newsstand gentleman were proper and justified. I wanted a bag for my newspaper but could not get one and when I objected, I was verbally attacked. Don’t you appreciate what Consumer Man is doing for you!?!

I understand you’re a fan of the Flip Video. I’ve actually chronicled my experiences with their idiot customer service here, which is ranking pretty high on Google and getting lots of comments from peeved customers sick of the company’s 13 year-old customer service agents sitting in a warehouse somewhere. Flip is still ignoring me, but I’m just one lonely guy and his computer. Do companies you highlight in your stand-up act ever contact you to remedy your issues?
No, never. They are afraid to confront the truth: to look themselves in the mirror and realize they are living a lie! Actually, that’s not true, there was this one company, the Rascal Scooter people — after my incessant complaints they explained that you are not supposed to be driving those things in the surf … who knew!

Have any tips for the consumer public to get the most out of expected service?
Shop with a gun and commit to use it if necessary.

One of my favorite things to tell an apologetic customer service rep is, “That’s not good enough.” Do you have a go-to response to get the most bang for your disgruntled buck?
Yes, I say, “You wonder why you are losing business, because it’s terrible service like this…” If that doesn’t work I say, “You messed with the wrong person, do you know who I am? I have been published on perfectporridge.com!

Bob & Tom frequently have you on their syndicated comedy radio show. I’m streaming some of your recent guest spots on the show and am wondering if personally knowing the hosts make the incessant laughing easier to listen to?
I would hope that the laughter was earned based on the comedy bits I wrote! Thanks for the positive feedback. I think I’ve just been heckled in an on-line Q&A. A FIRST!

You’re going to be at Minneapolis’ Acme Comedy Company Thursday, April 17 – Saturday, April 19. Have you spent much time in the Twin Cities? Thoughts?
No, never been. Really looking forward to it. The club has a great rep among comics. I hear there’s a cool bowling alley I should go to. Are you inviting me over for dinner?

Will my date put out after a Paul Mecurio set?
If she is a guy … yes! Actually, studies have shown my act is a deterrent to sex. Women see me and are sick with the thought that another woman has to live with me. Sorry, you won’t be getting laid that night. 

You know our city’s signature landmarks are a giant spoon with a cherry on it and a stone bridge. What does that say about us?
You guys have great shrooms!

Any other thoughts about our fair cities?
Yes, a question actually. Where would one bury a body if necessary?